discipline

at this point im not sure what to write about.

if anything, id write about a whole lot of nothing. but that wouldnt make much sense since it doesn’t feel like im not going through nothing, you know? but at the end of the day i feel like ive gone through nothing.

i feel like i know the tools to fix this. like spending less time on my phone, going to bed earlier, prioritizing family over others, saving money, etc. the works. the adulthood works.

maybe that's what all this is.... maybe part of maturing is knowing how to handle and prioritize these things. i know that to 99 percent of you this might seem like a given, but not to me.

i guess i go through autopilot most of the time.

thats not to say im generally unhappy, or that i dont have good memories. its just that right now,

as i lay here in bed,

typing these words as they come into my head,

im seeing clearly, able to type that which i dont even register in my head throughout the day.

in short, im having a moment of clear-headedness.

wanna know something i find interesting?

i love how as people, we know whats good for us and what would do us good, but we fail to do.

like i cant tell you how many people i hear talk and talk about how getting away from social media would be this nice needed escape, myself included, and then find these same people glued to their phones the very next moment, oblivious to the desire they just expressed to get away from it all.  

or the moment of clarity when you think, "wow, ive been eating out too much, i need to be healthier. i gotta lose weight." and then later that day you find yourself at a drive-thru ordering a combo number five and a milkshake.

how about the nostalgia and romanticism that adults let wash over them when they talk about their childhoods? "omg we used to go outside. we used to run around all day and not come home till the sun went down. we were never glued to a phone. that was the REAL deal." and then those same people hand their children an iPad and a pacifier and call it good.

it's like, we all know we could be better, but we're slaves to the vices, to the pleasures, to the lack of discipline.we all mean well, and we all want the best for ourselves and others, but can't quite get to Point B.

anyway, i sit here, belly full of junk food, wayyyyyyy past my bedtime, writing about the IDEALS of what could be. im the embodiment of what i write. 

so what now?

i could go about my routine, waking up tomorrow in a rush, sleepy, wanting to stop by QT and get an energy drink i know i shouldnt depend on. i could bumble through school, attitude at a 30 percent, and go to work after that and give customer service the very worst of me and come home and rinse and repeat.

or the disciplined thing to do would be to implement change.

i could stop planning things late at night, stop spending money on unnecessary things to fill the unfillable gap i feel, i could make time for the people that will be there for me through thick and thin, through my ugliest and my very best.

its all a matter of taking the clarity, easy and light right now but heavier than an anvil once you go about your day, and lugging it around till you become stronger, till the anvil becomes light as a feather, and you look around and find yourself fulfilling your duties and responsibilities, a disciplined adult.

its so much easier said than done.

i’ve been slacking like crazy at school. i’ve been giving my two jobs the exhausted remains of someone that didn’t sleep enough the night before.

why?? impulse and instant gratification. 

i want to play hard as much as i work hard, both at the same time. 

but that just doesn’t work. 

i need to step away from making plans left and right every night with either friends or some random guy i met online.

i need to go to bed earlier. 

i need to eat better.

i need to spend less money and save it more. 

i need to be on time to school so i can graduate and get out there.

i need to work on myself more and give less to others. 

not partying, not a relationship, not material things,

me.

and that’s the tea